On the Impending Healthcare Crisis

We hear, in every healthcare discussion, about the 47 million Americans who are uninsured. However, we’ve seen that those figures are misleading. But behind those “uninsured” Americans are the ones who are really at risk: the pets of America.

What happens when Joey the Dog is running around with his friends outside and suddenly he steps funny on the sidewalk? Would you have the poor dog simply be put on bedrest for his hurt ankle? No. He needs to go to a veterinary hospital to get a battery of tests run to make sure that his ankle hasn’t been fractured or broken or even sprained, and oh by the way, Joey needs painkillers and heartworm medicine. And who’s going to pay for it? Joey can’t, and his owner is out of work! Who will pay?

The crisis has reached epidemic proportions. Of the 171 million conventional pets in America, only 1 million are insured. Families with cats spend $190 annually on vet bills. Dog owning families pay even more; $356 on their pet pals.

So I propose a government spending plan. The government takes care of the pets’ healthcare: Peticare. Any American, legal or otherwise, with an animal who is dependent on him,  may sign up for Peticare and may go to any veterinary hospital in an emergency and any vet’s office for regular check-ups. All procedures are covered, including cosmetic procedures which benefit the animal’s health, like liposuction and such.

However, this program, as it will cost some $4 billion annually, will be paid for in the form of a 5% tax hike in the richest 1% of Americans. Also, all pet-owning Americans must be a part of this program, unless they pay $500 per month to opt out of Peticare.

And to save money on the Peticare program, all of the participants must make sacrifices. Because the types of food the pets can impact medical costs, all pets must eat organic, high-protein, diet food. They must also be walked or exercised in some way at least 5 times a week. Cats and dogs may no longer simply sit on the couch in the evenings and relax, their owners and they must go to Peticare fitness meetings that are set up locally by the federal government.

All of this will go to help make sure that all pets are healthy and happy. It will save Americans hundreds of  dollars a year, and in most cases, those getting the benefits don’t have to pay anything! It’s all taken care of by the richest 1% of Americans!

This is the only way to solve this horrific problem. There is no other way.

One Response to “On the Impending Healthcare Crisis”

  1. Michael Says:

    I don’t own a pet, and I’m not the richest 1% of Americans. So why should I care?

    (By the way, in all seriousness, I get it.)

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